Mom

It is that time of year again.  Today marks 2 years since I lost my mom.  She is always in my heart and I am very lucky to have her watching over me and my family.  I don't even know what to say that I haven't said before.  She was truly the best mom anyone could ever ask for.  I have no regrets about our relationship.  She was my best friend from the earliest time I can remember.  I never once told her that I hated her.  I never once got embarrassed when she dropped me off at school or cheered very loudly at my games.  I spent lots of time talking to her and loving her.  Those are the things I remember the most.  I love you mom. 

HULK SMASH!

Ohmygoodness!  I have a 4 year old.  Robbie celebrated his birthday this year with a Hulk birthday party.  The night before the party we went to the store to buy a cake and a few other things, but what he really wanted was a REALLY big apple (he eats so many I usually buy the small ones) and a watermelon.  That kid loves fruit. 
I found a green shirt at the Goodwill a while back that I thought would make a perfect Hulk shirt.  I cut out the design with freezer paper and painted a Hulk face on it.  He really liked his shirt.  In fact, he wore it all weekend long.  That Hulk face ended up being the theme for our party.  His face showed up on the watermelon, the cake, and the ice-cream cups.  I also cut out Hulk faces and the kids glued them together.
The party was a blast and Robbie had a really great time turning 4.  We actually celebrated all weekend long, and it was the best weekend ever.  We went to the park, went swimming, shot off a model rocket, went to lunch with Nonie and Grandpa, and played with his new toys non-stop. 
Robbie is such a sweet kid.  He is nice and sensitive.  He is a really great big brother.  He cares so much for Kailyn and doesn't like to see her sad, unless it is him making her sad.  He loves the Super Hero Squad.  He really likes reading and doing puzzles.  He can do 100 piece puzzles all by himself and I love to watch how his brain works to figure it out.  I am so lucky to be his mother.  

8 Wonderful Years

I'm a little late on this but in September Rob and I celebrated 8 years of marriage.  In that time we have lived in 5 different homes in 2 cities.  Renting 4 of them and losing our shirts on 1.  We have had 5 different employers and I'm finally able to stay home with my family.  We have had 2 beautiful children and 1 angel baby - one of which turns 4 tomorrow.  We have said "I love you" a million and one times, and "I'm sorry" a million and two times.
Time is flying by and yet when I think about our wedding day it seems like ages ago.  At our wedding reception an old couple came by to congratulate us.  The old man said that one day we would look back at on our wedding day and wonder how we could have even loved each other.  He explained that, if we did it right, our love would keep growing and growing.  I didn't understand what he meant then, but I am starting to now. 
When Rob and I got married we had never been in a fight.  It sounds silly, but we never had anything to disagree about.  We had very few trials and hardships.  After 8 years that is no longer the case, but I wouldn't trade one fight or trial because it has made our love even stronger than I could have imagined.  We have also had lots of reasons to love each other.  Rob is hard working, loving, and the best dad ever.  I'm grateful for the past 8 years and I look forward to many many more.  Especially because Rob keeps getting even better looking every year :)     

Engagement picture. 2004

Taken on our anniversary. 2012

   

A New Leaf

I've been thinking a lot about goals this week.  For some reason I feel resolved to start my New Years resolutions early.  Last year on New Year's Eve I found out I was expecting.  I was overjoyed, of course, but my annual resolutions didn't even get discussed. I know some of you are thinking, "why have new years goals if you never stick to them?"  I used to agree with you but I have a different opinion now.  If I have 500 goals and I only fully accomplish one of them I am still better off then before I set the goals. 
A lot of people have been blogging about their goals before turning 30 calling it "30 before 30".  Well, since I am about 6 months short I am going to start my very own "10 before 30."  Although I am nervous to blog my goals for fear of being judged or just feeling inadequate, I know that a "goal not written down is just a wish." So, here it goes:

• No soda.  Growing up I was never a huge soda drinker, even though my mom had her Diet Coke every single day. While I was playing sports I was especially against drinking soda, but over the last year I have started to drink way more than I should.  So, I'm cutting it out.  
• Lose 30 pounds.  I hate putting a number on it, but I need to have something to hold myself to.  
• Run a half marathon.  I'm signed up for one in February and with any luck I'll finish it. Haha.  
• Learn to cook.  I really have no idea how to cook anything.  Sure I can make basic things, but if I try to follow recipe that is even slightly less basic I manage to screw it up.  This leads to eating out a lot.  Either because my dinner isn't edible or I didn't even want to try.  I want to try 2 new meals a week. 
• Read 15 books.  I love to read.  I need to start making time for myself, log off the computer and pick up a book.  I'm really excited for this one.  First book on the list is "The Help."
• Get out of the house twice a week.  Right now we only have one vehicle.  Rob takes it to work which leaves the kids and I at home without a car.  We go on walks outside or walk to a friends house but it isn't always enough.  So I am going to get up and take Rob to work at least twice a week so the kids and I can go to the park or the library.  It will be good for all of us.  
• Be more dedicated to my calling at church.  I teach the 8 year old kids in primary.  It is a fun calling, but sometimes I let the lessons go until the night before which makes them not as good.  
• Visit Teach.  Again, I need to be better with my church callings.  I hate calling people on the phone and none of the ladies I visit teach go to church.  It is all a big fat excuse, so I'm going to start doing it.
• Keep my house clean.  Why is this so hard for me to do?  I hate living in a messy house, but that doesn't always motivate me to keep it clean.  My goal is to start a weekly cleaning regimen and stick to it.  I'm sick of the dishes piling up and the laundry looking like it is going to take over the world.
• List 20 things to Ebay each week.  My husband and I sell things on Ebay.  Mostly things we have around the house or things we find at yard sales and such.  It is a good way for me to contribute financially to our family while still being home with the kids.  If the items don't get listed they wont sell.    

I have lots of other things I need to work on.  I'm so far from the woman that I want to become, but everyone needs to start someplace.  I'm excited to start the process of changing my life for the better. 

Due Date

Today is the day that baby Lucas was due.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I gave birth to him even though it was only a few months ago.  The last couple of months have been difficult as I have been thinking about what life would be like with a brand new baby around.  A few ladies in my ward were due with babies within a few days of me and watching their bellies grow and seeing both of them at church on Sunday with precious little girls was very hard.  Of course, I am overly happy for those ladies, but it has left me undoubtedly baby hungry.
I really feel at peace with this loss, but I have still been in a funk for the last few months.  I kept thinking about still being pregnant and then having that brand new baby boy.  I am hoping celebrating this due date will close a door on my pregnancy and really allow me to really move forward.
I know I am years late, but the other day at the Goodwill I found a copy of Aron Ralston's book 127 Hours: Between a Rock and a Hard Place for .50 and I had to have it. When I heard of his rescue i was immediately interested with the story of him cutting off his own arm to save his life while camping in the Utah desert, but finally reading in his own words about his struggle was truly inspiring.  Near the end of his trial in the slot canyon he had a vision of sorts where he was playing with a blond three year old boy.  He knew that this was a vision of his future and the boy was his son.  When the morning came that day he knew he had to live. 
When I read this I was so impressed.  I know when I think of my sweet children I am inspired to live a better life.  I am glad to have found this book at this time.  I really feel like it will help get me out of this funk I've been in.

  The are the tiny hand and foot prints of my baby Lucas and the urn that holds his ashes.  Also, the receiving blanket that the hospital wrapped Lucas in.  

Do Your Kids Eat Like This?

My daughter is just like me. She loves, and I mean loves, her food. Especially sweets. I can not give her something sweet and expect her not to finish it. She is a very messy eater. She gets food everywhere and would eat all of her meals off the floor if I let her. I have to sweep and vacuum my floors multiple times a day.
Robbie is more like Rob (go figure). He stops eating when he is full even if it is candy or ice cream. He doesn't like to be messy and usually keeps things pretty neat and tidy when it comes to food. He is picky and has lots of food that he doesn't like to eat. He eats at least one apple a day.

She found the chocolate syrup from the fridge. I love how much she is enjoying this!

She eats her cereal off the floor or couch pretty much every day - No hands needed. Robbie joined in for the picture.

I don't think she got any on her bib!

Garden

Even though we have no yard I couldn't go all spring and summer without a garden. We planted some raspberries, tomatoes, broccoli, and squash. Everything is planted in containers and they seem to be doing pretty good so far. Now that I am home with my kids I have been able to take better care of our garden. Hopefully I am able to keep everything alive through out the hot hot summer.
Today we harvested our first little tomato. Robbie was very excited but he thought it tasted gross.

Park Day

This morning I took the kids to the park. They love playing at the park, but we rarely get there before it is scorching hot. I don't know what we are going to do when it reaches 120 degrees. P.S. Most of the parks in Las Vegas are completely fenced in around the play ground. I am in love with this feature. It makes going to the park with two kids much easier. It forces Kailyn to play on the equipment instead of running away.

Mustache May

Since starting his new job last August Rob has had to be clean shaven for work everyday. Apparently this is a very hard thing for him so he decided to grow a mustache (the only allowable facial hair) for the month of May. However, he couldn't do it alone and managed to get all the guys in his department to join the fun. It reminded me of the time he convinced all his friends to grow one sideburn because only one of his would grow in. Luckily the mustaches were more fun than they could handle and it only lasted half way through the month.

Sometimes the Answer is No

I have the cutest primary class. They are 8 years old and so very smart. Much smarter than I was at that age. Yesterday we had a lesson about Jesus Christ having the power to heal. We talked about healing miracles that he performed when He was here on Earth. We also talked about priesthood blessings. There are lots of really great stories about how priesthood blessings have healed the sick and afflicted. Our fast and testimony meetings are full of similar stories. But that got me thinking about what happens when the answer is NO. There isn't a whole lot of people running the the pulpit to tell you about the time that their prayers didn't work.
Sometimes I feel like am the poster child for being told no. I'm not saying that my life isn't blessed - it most certainly is. I have witnessed miracles and have so many wonderful countless blessings in my life. However the three things I've wanted and prayed the most for in my life have not been given to me. It started when I was old enough to realize the my sister Micki was sick. We would have family fasts for her and pray every day and night for her to get better. She even received a blessing from a general authority (not that their priesthood is any more powerful, but it couldn't hurt right?). Once I was old enough to realize that she wasn't going to get better I was devastated. Later I realized that her illness was teaching me and my family a great lesson. It was allowing us to learn to love and serve others. I feel very blessed that my childhood was filled with caring for someone with special needs.
The next situation was my sweet mother. My best friend and biggest hero in the whole world. When she was diagnosed with cancer I was again devastated. After a few days of feeling utterly sorry for myself I changed my attitude. I KNEW that Heavenly Father could and would heal her. I prayed harder and longer than I ever had before. I fasted more fervently. She had numerous priesthood blessing. For 5 years I continued praying and begging for my mother to be healed. About 2 months before she passed away she had some complications and was again in the hospital. My family organized one more family fast. I was pregnant and didn't fast but I did spend a lot of time praying. I wont forget the answer I got to those prayers. I simply knew that my mom wasn't getting better, but that it was in the Lord's hands. She was going to be alright.
When I was worrying about not feeling baby Lucas move I would stay up at night and pray to please feel my baby boy move. I prayed every night that my baby would be healthy and strong, but again my desires were not granted.
I thought that my prayers weren't answered because I wasn't righteous enough or I didn't have enough faith. However, I know now that sometimes the answer is no. It doesn't mean that Heavenly Father loves me less or that he is punishing me. It means that He has a different plan for me than I had for myself. He is molding me into the eternal being that he needs me to be.
Sometimes the answer is no, and that is okay.

Lucas Knowlton - April 22, 2012

I never made a "formal social media" announcement that I was expecting a baby, but on New Years Eve I found out that Rob and I were expecting our third child. We had just started trying and I was shocked that we got pregnant so quickly. I wasn't sure how far along I was, so I called and made an appointment with my doctor. Kailyn and baby number three were going to be about 21 months apart, and I was nervous to add number three but also very excited.
Then things started getting interesting. I got a bad sinus infection and was sick for weeks. Next, the blood work that my Dr. took came back abnormal. It's a long story but I was treated for a disease that I did not have and the real cause of the abnormal blood work was undetermined. Then Robbie got pneumonia and I was also very sick with a fever and coughing. This was on top of the nausea and fatigue of pregnancy. This pregnancy felt so different from the others. I had a feeling that something wasn't right, but I was sure it was just because of the illness. I wasn't gaining much weight and I never felt the baby move, but I was hopeful that everything was alright. When I went in for my ultrasound I was relieved to hear a good strong heartbeat. The ultrasound technician told us we were expecting another boy. We were thrilled! Robbie was so excited to have a little brother and wanted to name him Spider-man. We also found out that we were about 17 weeks along and that our little guy wasn't quite big enough to do all the vital organ tests needed. We would have to come back in a couple weeks for another ultrasound. We left with big smiles on our faces.
Three weeks later I had a routine OB appointment. I was having the same feelings of discomfort and still had not felt movement, but kept thinking about the positive ultrasound. Seeing my little boy move all around and hearing his strong heartbeat kept me positive. When I arrived at my appointment I found out that my doctor would not be in the office because of an emergency delivery. I wasn't too concerned. I had seen the nurse practitioner before and she is a very nice lady. The assistant came in and measured me and told me I was measuring right at 20 weeks. She also tried to locate a heartbeat. She tried for 5 minutes and was unable to locate it. I was very scared but reminded myself of the difficulty in finding his heartbeat at almost every appointment. Pretty soon she left to find another lady to help find the heartbeat. This had actually happened to me once before at their office so I was still pretty hopeful that she would be able to find it. A minute later my doctor walked in the door. I was surprised to see him because I was just told that he wouldn't be in for my appointment. He asked a few questions and then asked if they had listened to the heartbeat. I told him they weren't able to find it and he decided to give it a shot. After a few minutes of him trying to find it and seeing the look on his face, I knew something was very wrong. He took me right back to do an ultrasound and it was immediately clear that things were not right. I don’t think I will ever forget his concerned face as he told me that my baby was gone.
I called Rob right away. Luckily he was in the parking lot with the kids waiting for me to get done. They rushed right in and the Dr. explained to us how we would have to deliver the baby. After he called the hospital the earliest they could get us in was Saturday evening - three days later. The Doctor had warned me not to try and figure out what I had done wrong, but that is exactly what I did for three days. I kept thinking about this medicine I took, that soda I drank, not being active enough. Luckily we packed the kids up and headed to St. George as soon as we found out. It was a very nice distraction being surrounded by family and friends. It was also nice to know that the kids would be with family after Rob and I headed back down to Las Vegas to deliver the baby.
On Saturday we headed back to Las Vegas. I wanted to get back in pretty good time because I had some things around the house that I really wanted to get done. It turns out that being home with only the laundry and dishes to distract me was not enough. My sweet husband Rob suggested that we go see a movie. It was perfect to get out of the house and spend a few hours lost in someone else’s world. As soon as the movie was over I was in tears. It was a difficult drive to the hospital.
I was all set in my room by 8 and had the drugs to induce me by 10. In those few hours I had bonded with my sweet nurse, Candice. I told her I was very sorry that she had to spend the night with me, but she was so sweet and I felt like she truly cared about my feelings and my health. After I was all set Rob and I tried to get some sleep. When Candice came back in to give me more medicine at 2am I still hadn't had any progress. I prayed that I would have my baby before she left at 7am. The drugs made me cramp immediately. At about 4 I had Rob get up and help me to the bathroom. My contractions were getting uncomfortable and I was no longer able to sleep. I kept Rob up with me and my water broke at about 4:30. I called Candice in to help get me cleaned up. When she came in she checked me and the baby had made his way about half way out. Due to the fragile nature of the baby's body I was unable to push. They mostly expect the baby to come out by himself. I thanked Candice for her help and told her how grateful I was that she was still there with me. It turns out another patient of hers had ended up needing a C-section and she was asked to give me up to another nurse and stay with the other patient. She had declined and said that she had to stay with me. She will never know how much I appreciated that she would do that for me. Our baby was coming out sideways and I would have to wait for my doctor to come deliver him. Our angel baby Lucas arrived at 6:41am on April 22nd. They wrapped his tiny body in a blanket and let me hold him. I had been so nervous to see his little body, but I felt such peace holding him in my hands. The doctor then pointed out that he had an abnormal insertion of the umbilical cord. The first inch where it attached to his body was very thin and he was unable to get the blood and oxygen flow needed to keep him growing and healthy. It was nice to know why this happened. A lot of times they are unable to determine a cause and I feel very blessed that we know.
Rob and I held our baby for an hour or so before they took him. The nurses took pictures of him and also made prints of his hands and feet. They presented us with a box full of things to remember our little Lucas.
It was hard to leave the hospital knowing that I was no longer pregnant and I wasn't carrying a baby, and even harder a couple of days later when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse. But I know that Heavenly Father had a bigger plan for Lucas and for our family. I am humbled by the fact that Heavenly Father knows me personally and is with me through all my trials. I am eternally grateful for his hand in my life and the gift of comfort that he gives. I am looking forward to the time when I can see and hug my baby boy.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

OK. So I know I'm a little late posting about the best weekend ever, but the fact that it is still on my mind really says something about how awesome it was. Easter weekend we headed to St. George to spend time with family and friends. My sister (and best friend) and her adorable family were also headed to St. George from West Jordan. I haven't seen her since the first of February. That is such a long time for us to be apart. -Side note: I once told my handsome husband that if he ever moved me from St. George he must get me home to see my family at least 6 times a year.- Of course, I was also excited to see my Dad and Micki and Carl and his darling family. Also, my dear friends Derrik and Amber came to spend the day with us as well.
On Saturday we enjoyed an amazing day. The kids had an Easter egg hunt and the adults enjoyed a hamburger BBQ. We sat around the table at ate and chatted and watched the kids play for hours. It was so nice to see Robbie and Kailyn having so much fun with cousins and friends. We ended up spending the whole afternoon and evening hanging out and playing. We ended the day roasting peeps and marshmallows over a roaring fire in my Dad's backyard. By the end of the evening the kids were covered in dirt. We threw them right in the bathtub that night and the water was completely black. I'm so glad I didn't have to clean the tub. I don't think they left any dirt in the backyard.
Kailyn loved finding Easter eggs. When she would find one she would get so excited. Her basket ended up overflowing at the end of the hunt. Robbie on the other hand was much more interested in what was in every egg. After he found one or two he sat down and immediately started eating what was inside. I tried to get him to find more eggs, but he really wasn't all that interested. It was fun watching their different personalities shine.
You are probably wondering what made this day so special. Honestly, it took me a minute to place my finger on just exactly what made it so special. There was family and friends and food and candy and laughing children. All of those things are magical in and of them self, but this weekend it just felt like home. It was the first weekend in a really really long time that felt...normal. Just like it felt before my mom passed away. It felt like home. Thinking about it now still makes me smile. I read somewhere recently: "You never know how precious a moment is until it becomes a memory."

Love, love, love this face!

Love, love, love this face too!

This isn't even how dirty she got. It got worse before the night was over.

Robbie and Kenlee "planting a garden." I love that Kenlee and Robbie are such good friends. There will be a wedding one day.

Roasting Peeps!

Easter Baskets. I got really domestic this year and made the cutest sock bunnies for the kids. I was so happy when Robbie absolutely loved his. He still sleeps with it at night.

Potty Training

My son is almost 3 and a half years old. Thus far he has show NO interest in potty training. Previously when I put him in underwear or talk about going pee pee in the potty he would scream and yell. I have tried to be very patient with him and not force the issue. This is a hard thing to do when everyone around him seems to be potty trained. Friends, cousins, fellow sunbeams, everyone! We've been talking about it almost every day. I've tried stickers, charts, candy, trying to get him to pee on cheerios, on food coloring to make the water blue, and watching Daddy. He thinks most of those things are cool, but not quite cool enough to get the job done.
This weekend we went to the store and bought Squinkees. First of all I swore up and down I would never buy a Squinkee, but he LOVES looking at them in the store and I thought it might be just what he needed to try. We were in St. George this weekend and I left Robbie at my Dad's house with my sister and her kids while Rob and I drove Kailyn around trying to get her to nap. My sister called and said that Robbie actually went pee on the potty and was looking everywhere for his Venom Squinkee. I started thinking that I would send him to live with my sister until he came back potty trained because she obviously knew something I didn't know.
The next morning we were back in Las Vegas. I tried to get him to wear underwear but he refused to do it. He likes running around with a "naked bum" so I let him do that. I showed him the potty and told him to let me know when he needed to go. Not much longer he came running over to me and said, "Mom I need my spider-man squinkee." I looked in the potty and sure enough he had gone. Pretty soon he had earned Ironman and the Hulk. Then not much after that he pooped in the potty. He has been doing all of this with no reminder from me. I tried putting underwear on him again and he wore it for a little while and then he had his first accident. For some reason if he is wearing underwear or pants or a diaper he goes in that. But when he is naked he is 100% in the potty.
He might be running around naked until he is 5 but this feels like a huge step in the right direction. The time saved from changing diapers is now spent trying to find the darn sqinkees and making sure Kailyn and Chino don't eat them.

Kailyn Turns One

Last month was Kailyn's first birthday. We decided to head up to St. George to celebrate and I'm really glad that we did. We celebrated with family and friends and lots of rainbow sprinkles.
It was so hard to believe that my little girl was turning one. She is so sweet and grown up. She is so fun to be around. She loves her big brother and is always chasing him around the house and grabbing him and laughing with him. I'm so blessed to have her as my daughter.